


I'm not afraid (anymore)

by ffroyo



Category: H.O.T. (Band), SECHSKIES (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-12 20:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17474168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffroyo/pseuds/ffroyo
Summary: 2 times Tony Ahn almost fell in love; and one time he did





	I'm not afraid (anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: trigger warning - mentions of depression and anxiety, nothing too explicit but it's still there.

_One (1998)_

 

“Oh and we’re gonna perform with Sechskies in 2 weeks’ time on KBS, ” their manager ended off their daily schedule update.

The surprising news made the members, who were concentrating hard on their dinner, look up in surprise.

“Did you just say Sechskies?” Tony gapes, with a half-open mouth full of noodles.

“Yeah Daesung Entertainment’s Sechskies.” Their manager explained, “They are covering Candy. You guys will join in halfway as a joint performance but you won’t be singing. You just have to join them in rehearsal on that day for the joint performance.”

“Our rival? I mean, our _reportedly_ rival. I don’t even think we spoke to them properly before.”

“I actually did speak to them once…to Eun Jiwon.”  Heejun piped up.

“Really? For what?”

“Well, he’s the leader, and I’m the leader, so when I was assigned to sit next to him a few months ago, I asked him if being a leader was hard. He answered me really politely, but still, it’s a start.”

To Tony’s continued surprise, Chilhyun added that he spoke to Kang Sunghoon a few times, since they were both the main vocal and had swapped tips on singing.

Even Woohyuk excitedly boasted that he knew Jaijin and Jaeduck even before H.O.T. and Sechskies. “We even went for drives and sometimes drinks together!”

“Ah so actually everyone knows a Sechskies member except me and Jaewon…”

“I think it might be fun. Show the media that H.O.T. and Sechskies can be friendly together and end those scary fangirl wars.” Heejun shudders at the thought of those fangirls actually fighting with each, fists and blood and all.

At the rehearsal, it was started off slightly awkwardly. Both groups greeted each other politely and started practising right away.

The H.O.T members always monitored Sechskies’ performances closely and even stood on the same stage during music and award shows, but Tony had never managed to see the Sechskies members up close. During the break in rehearsal, he observed the Sechskies members. Jiwon looked really cool and brooding, while Sunghoon was cheerful and smiling a lot, while Suwon, Jiyong and Jaijin were really quiet and rarely talked, but what caught his eyes was Jaeduck. The lead dancer of Sechskies was really…cute. He was hyper, talked brightly in a Busan accent and when he smiled, his eyes crinkled into a line. Tony couldn’t stop staring.

He noticed that Jaeduck mostly talked to Woohyuk and Tony inched his way near Woohyuk, hoping to be introduced properly.

“...and then do the backdown!” Jaeduck had just finished describing his part in the dance break in the performance when he saw Tony standing next to Woohyuk.

“Hello Tony-ssi! I’m Kim Jaeduck, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.” Jaeduck gave a slight bow and struck out his hand, eyes crinkling again into those crescents.

“Just called me hyung.” Tony shook his hand and Jaeduck grinned even bigger.

Before Tony could continue the conversation, the managers signalled that the break was over. A few rounds of final practice and the respective groups were quickly ushered away by their managers.

On the day of the performance, during the freestyling dance segment, Tony spotted Jaeduck near him, and in a surge of courage, he swung his arm around Jaeduck’s shoulder. Jaeduck looked at him in surprise, but didn’t shrug his arm away. Jaeduck raised his free arm and Tony followed suit, jumping up and down to Candy’s chorus. Together.

Tony felt a particular warmth spreading in his chest, even though their contact was only for a few seconds. The moment ended and as Tony moved back into position, he almost knocked into Jaeduck. Jaeduck grinned and his snaggletooth poked out, leaving Tony feeling flustered than ever. So much he forgets to bend down in of the next few dance moves.

After the performance, they gathered backstage, bowing at each other and thanking the staff. H.O.T and Sechskies shake hands, trade pleasantries on how great it would be to perform again. Tony keeps his eyes trained on Jaeduck. He tries to catch Jaeduck's eye, but Jaeduck was too busy flitting from one person to another, like a social butterfly.

"Good job, Tony-ssi!" Jaeduck hugs him and moves on to the next person.

Tony wants to ask him to stay, to talk to him more, to stay by his side. “Go and approach him, you idiot. It’s your last chance,” The little voice in his head whispers.

But Tony never does.

Tony never talks about Jaeduck to Woohyuk, even when the little voice in his head screams at him to say something, to just respond when Woohyuk brings up Jaeduck or Sechskies.

Sometimes, when Tony kisses his girlfriend in those hidden staircase exits, Jaeduck’s snaggletooth smile flashes across his eyes.

 

_Two (2002)_

 

It was definitely hard times. Woohyuk, Jaewon and him had separated from H.O.T and formed JTL and Tony worried incessantly about JTL’s popularity and whether fans would still accept them. What were they supposed to do, really? The uncertainty puts Tony on edge, constantly.

Sechskies had disbanded earlier than them and while most went solo. Jiwon actually was doing hip-hop, to much of the industry’s surprise. Sunghoon was the main vocal, so no surprise that he went into ballads. Jaijin and Jiyong had pretty much disappeared from idol life, but for Jaeduck and Suwon, they had formed J-Walk. It was kinda surprising since Su Won wasn’t exactly known for his singing and Jaeduck was the rapper, but he rapped in a mishmash of Seoul and Busan accents?

Then he heard their new song and Tony couldn’t believe how good it was. Suwon could actually sing! And the melody was really good. Tony found himself listening to the song over and over, even humming it subconsciously in the shower.

One Friday when Tony steps into his usual gukbap restaurant, he spots Jaeduck and Suwon dining with their manager at a corner.

Tony doesn't know how but he finds the courage to approach Jaeduck.

“Jaeduck-ssi, Suwon-ssi? I’m H- JTL’s Tony An.” Tony extends a hand down to Jaeduck.

“I’m Sechs- J-walk’s Jaeduck.” Jaeduck returns his handshake, with a twinkle in his eyes. Suwon introduced himself as well, along with the manager.

“Uhm, I just want to say I really like your new song Suddenly. I really like it, it’s so good.” Tony blurts out, feeling slightly awkward that he just ambushed them like this. “I mean, the melody is really catchy, it’s stuck in my head, I even sing it in the shower sometimes,” Tony rambles on, eyes trained on Jaeduck

“Oh, thanks a lot! It means a lot, coming from you, Tony-ssi.” Jaeduck giggles, looking slightly bashful at the outflow of praise.

“Here, have a copy,” Jaeduck gestures to the manager, who promptly took out J-Walk’s newest album and a marker. Jaeduck signs on the album, and so does Suwon.

“Here! Make sure to give us a copy of JTL’s latest album the next time! It’s coming out soon, right?” Jaeduck says as he hands Tony the album.

“Yeah, see you at music shows soon, Tony-ssi?” Suwon chimes in.

Tony laughs and feigns ignorance, and thanks them for the album. He almost asks them for a contact number or email, but figures he would see them soon anyway.

-

After full of schedules, Tony returns to his apartment. Only darkness and silence greets him. After they left SME, Woohyuk and Jaewon wanted to live alone, sick of sharing a tiny flat with 5 people for more than 5 years. Tony doesn’t protest and seeks out his own flat.

But he hates living alone. The emptiness of the flat is almost mocking him and the silence, deafening.

The little voice screams in his head again. It has been screaming a lot these days, asking Tony what was he doing, with his career, with his songs, with his lyrics, with his life. Tony doesn’t have an answer.

He turns on the tv and pours himself a shot of soju. The chatter of whatever variety show that was on right now numbs his brain, along with the soju. The bottles pile up.

The buzz of his phone awakes Tony from his alcohol-induced state of semi-consciousness. It was his girlfriend, calling. He lets it ring, ring, ring and it stops. Tony throws the phone on the table, burying his head into the sofa once again. But then he hears the phone hits something with a dull thud.

Tony looks up and spots the signed J-Walk album lying open on the floor. Scrambling up in haste, ignoring his pounding headache, Tony picks up the album.

On the album, Jaeduck wrote a short little note. ‘Don’t be a stranger at music shows, Tony-ssi!’

When JTL’s new album comes out 2 weeks later, Tony refuses to go out of the group's private waiting room on music shows and to J-Walk, he sends a copy of the albums, signed, through his manager.

 

_Three (2008)_

 

“Private An!” His commander marched into his quarters one evening.

“Yes, sir?” Tony quickly stood up and saluted his commanding officer.

“You’re getting transferred to Unit 631, effective next Monday.”

“Yes, sir!” Tony saluted again as the commander left the room.

“Unit 631 eh?” his bunkmate stuck his head out from the top bunk. “Isn’t Kim Jaeduck in that unit? From Sechskies”, he emphasised on the last word.

“What?! Really...are you kidding me?” Tony recalled the supposed rivalry between their two groups in the late 90s, shuddering at the potential awkwardness.

On Monday, Tony reported at Unit 631.  Just when he thought he mentally prepared himself for being in the same unit as Kim Jaeduck, he saw Jaeduck in a sergeant cap.

_I’m so screwed omg this is twice as awkward._

“Hi, I’m An Seungho, private rank. I have depression, so I may have mood swings from time to time, hope everyone understands. Nice to meet everyone.” Tony rattled off his introduction.

Immediately, whispers were heard. “Depression? Why is he even telling us that?”

“What a weird guy.”

“Is this going to be his excuse for being lazy?”

Tony held a straight face. The whispered comments, although unpleasant, was not unlike everything Tony’s heard before. He just wanted to give people a heads-up, just in case anything happens.

To his relief, Jaeduck showed no signs of recognising him and even shushed the rest of soldiers whispering. He simply introduced himself and informed him that he should settle in first and wait for instructions.

Turns out his first task in the unit was cleaning. Toilet cleaning, as his new bunkmates cheerfully informed him. “The newcomer is always in charge of it! And don’t worry too much, you’re doing it with Sergeant Kim.”

_Great. Must as well get things out of the way._

Standing in the narrow space, facing Jaeduck, Tony started rolling up his pants to get ready to clean.

“Private An, please take off your pants.”

“Wha-what?” Tony yelped. It didn’t help that Jaeduck was in the midst of taking off his own pants.

Jaeduck raised an eyebrow at him and explained that since the space was so narrow, water would spray everywhere when cleaning it, so rolling up the pants won’t even helpful.

“Ah okay...” Tony awkwardly scratched his head, embarrassed at his first thought that jumped out. They scrubbed away in silence, squatting in that tiny toilet just in their underwear. Occasionally, Tony would gaze sideways at Jaeduck, whose face was scrunched up in concentration.

Tony suddenly let out a burst of laughter, causing Jaeduck to look at him questioningly.

“Ah, I was just thinking, 10 years ago, we were dancing on stage, with thousands of fans cheering for us, and now we’re scrubbing toilets in our underwear.” Tony smiled wryly, recalling his memories.

Tony had half-expected to Jaeduck to ignore his comment and continue scrubbing.

“Ah you’re right. How far have we fallen, huh?” Jaeduck responded, not unkindly.

“We used to be kings. Two walls of Korean music. The good ol’ glory days.” Tony hummed.

“Two walls? So you finally acknowledge Sechskies was H.O.T’s rival?”

“Oh shit. Our rivals are supposed to ourselves. I meant one wall, one wall!”

Jaeduck flicked some ice-cold water at Tony and in return, Tony flung his dirty scrubbing rag at Jaeduck.

There was some loud swearing going on and underwear soaked in ice-cold water, but the awkwardness was lifted. It was just An Seungho and Kim Jaeduck, two regular soldiers in the Korean Army, without any labels from their past, scrubbing away in a grimy toilet stall.

-

“Private An, is that you?” Tony had lit up a cigarette literally seconds before he heard Jaeduck’s voice calling him. He was on night guard duty alone and figured nobody would be around in the dead of the night. Quickly stabbing the cigarette on the stone floor, he hoped Jaeduck wouldn’t see it.

Jaeduck appeared in front of him, shaking his head disapproving. To Tony’s surprise, Jaeduck didn’t immediately admonish him for smoking.

“Hand those over.”

Fumbling, Tony quickly handed over his cigarette pack.

“I mean, just a smoke will do. No need for the whole pack.” Jaeduck handed it back, lips slightly upturned.

Jaeduck took one out and held it between his teeth, while his other hand stretched out for a lighter. Again, Tony hastily handed it over.

Jaeduck lit it up and took a drag. “God, I missed this.”

“You smoke?”

“Been trying to quit. But obviously...” Jaeduck took another deep drag, and another sigh came out and Jaeduck closed his eyes, revelling in the taste of tobacco.

Tony took the chance to light up another one, slightly smarting that he wasted a perfectly good cigarette just now.

“Who said you could smoke?” Tony turned, wide-eyed at Jaeduck’s stern sergeant voice. His hands fumbled clumsily with the roll-up, almost dropping it.

“I’m just messing with you, Private An.” Jaeduck lets out a loud peal of laughter as he took the cigarette and stuck it between Tony’s lips. “I’m not that much of a hypocrite, here, do you need me to light it up for you?” Jaeduck smiles cheekily at him.

_That snaggletooth again._

Tony finally lit up his cigarette, hands a little shaky. They stood side by side, silently puffing away as the night grows deeper.

-

The next night duty, Tony was almost dozing off until he heard footsteps approaching him.

“No cigarette this week, Private An?” Jaeduck comes into Tony’s sight, a slight smile on his face.

“You want one?”

“Only if you do it too.”

A few puffs in silence and Jaeduck suddenly asks “Don’t you miss the old days? The 90s?”

It was the first time that Jaeduck had ever initiated a conversation about their idol past, after almost a month of their first conversation in the toilet.

“Of course I do. I miss the stage, the fans, the group.” Tony meets Jaeduck’s eyes, and he nods in agreement. The stage, the fans; they were still there, but it wasn’t the same, it could never be the same.

“But, things were kinda shit, I guess. What kind of teenagers sleeps 2 hours a night? And had screaming teenage girls camping outside their dorm almost all day and night?”

“I know right, and can we believe we were dieting when we were already practising so hard.”

“Can you believe we actually wore those horrible 90s costumes? We were literally wrapped in plastic clothing and our sweat couldn’t even evaporate.”

“Ugh please, we had those colourful furry abominations that were practically a sauna, even in winter.”

The complaints literally everything around their idol lives, from about stage outfits, their funny song lyrics to more serious matters about their tightly controlled teenage lives, the constant surveillance from the company and hordes of teenage fans continued throughout the night. Dawn had never come so fast for Tony. When the next soldier came to take his shift, Tony almost wishes the sun never came up.

The new soldier hands them both hot packs, as whatever ones they had would have deteriorated through the night. Walking back to the base, Tony, who was previously shivering slightly in the cold morning temperatures, glances at Jaeduck. Jaeduck smiled warmly back at him.

Perhaps the hot pack was redundant, after all.

-

Somehow, Jaeduck joining Tony for his weekly night duties became some sort of regular thing, with Jaeduck swearing each week that his cigarette stolen from Tony will be the last, but each week showing up and shamelessly demanding another cigarette.

“Don’t you think you should provide the cigarettes sometime, Sergeant? You’ve almost stolen a whole pack from me now.” Tony grumbles as Jaeduck takes his second-last cigarette of the pack.

“Me? I’m not a smoker though, why would I buy the cigs.” Jaeduck teases.

“We should quit, y’know. Not good for our throats and lungs and all.” Tony mumbled.

“Quit? Again, Private An, I’m not a smoker.” Jaeduck whines as he lights up the cigarette. His whining is cute, Tony thinks.

_Only because he’s younger than me._

-

It was a particularly cold winter night when one of their bunks’ heater decided to break down. The technician could only come in the morning to fix it, and their unit commander told him to just bundle up and survive that night. Everyone put on their thickest winter coat and curled into a ball, trying to sleep despite the cold.

Half an hour passed and most of his bunkmates had fallen asleep, having adjusted to the cold. Tony looked over to his right, where Jaeduck was. He knew Jaeduck particularly hated the cold, always bundling up in scarves and multiple layers when out for field assignments. Now, despite having those coats and scarves on, Jaeduck was shivering quite terribly.

“Jaeduck-ssi, are you okay?” Tony whispered.

“I-I’m f-fine.” Tony chuckles a little at the way Jaeduck was obviously lying through his chattering teeth.

“Well, I’m really cold. Since the space between the beds are so small, do you think we can push them together and like huddle? Just to share some warmth.”

Tony almost expected a ‘no’, but after a moment of silence, a soft ‘ok’ was heard.

“How do we even do this?” Jaeduck awkwardly hovered around the side of his bed, after he had gotten down to close the tiny space between their beds.

“Just lie down next to me.”

They started out lying next to other like logs, only their sides pressing against each other.

“I feel a little warmer already,” Jaeduck mumbled, voice masked a little by drowsiness.

“Me too.”

Not 5 minutes later and Jaeduck already fell asleep. Tony was about to fall asleep too when he felt Jaeduck shift slightly. As if finding for more warmth, Jaeduck turned and latched onto him like a koala bear, head burying into Tony’s sides, one arm flung across Tony’s torso.

Tony tenses up, and Jaeduck’s response to was snuggle even tightly against Tony, even one leg hitching up to press against Tony legs.

He looks at Jaeduck’s sleeping face, lit up only by the pale moonlight streaming in through the tiny bunk window, and he stares. And stares.

“This feels...nice” was Tony’s last thought before drifting off.

After months in the army, Tony wakes up exactly at 6am, body clock perfectly synced to the army’s morning drills. The next morning, Tony wakes up to a still-sleeping Jaeduck tucked in by his side, and a vaguely chilly feeling on his stomach.

Underneath the multiple layers of tshirts, sweatshirts and jackets, was Jaeduck’s hands laying flat on Tony’s stomach. Tony’s breath hitches. His instinct was to push Jaeduck’s hands away, because it was way too close to a possibly _dangerous_ morning situation, but he didn't want to wake Jaeduck up, so he slowly pushed Jaeduck’s hands out under his layers of shirts and jacket.

He doesn’t realises that Jaeduck had woke up at that very moment, and Jaeduck pulls his hands back in a flash.

“I’m so sorry, oh shit, I’m so sorry. I uh- my hands tend to get really cold in winter when I’m sleeping, so they’ll kinda look for warm places. Oh shit, I’m sorry if this is awkward or something.” Jaeduck apologises profusely, cheeks slightly reddening from embarrassment.

“It’s-it’s alright?” Because what can one really reply to this. “At least you won’t get hypothermia and they’ll have to chop your fingers off.” Tony jokes.

“Yah, don’t curse me!” Jaeduck sticks his cold hands onto Tony’s neck for revenge, causing Tony to shout in surprise, waking up half the dorm. If any of them were surprised at Jaeduck and Tony’s beds being joined together, no one said anything.

-

“So...what was that today? You want to talk about it?” Jaeduck finds Tony huddling into a ball on his routine night duty.

A muffled “...no” came from the huddle.

Tony had stormed off earlier in the day, after a fellow private had accused Tony of slacking off when cleaning the cupboards. They were supposed to clean out the cupboards in the archive room for the whole afternoon, but Tony woke up in the morning feeling the absolute shittiest.

He had to force himself, to drag up every ounce of determination to make it to the morning drills and go through with them. Tony hates it, hates that it comes sometimes out of the blue. One day he could be fine, the next he’ll just be filled with such hopelessness that he can barely open his eyes.

He thought he was getting better in the army. He hadn’t be hit for such serious bouts in months. The thought of regressing, erasing of his progress just spirals further into self-doubt, so much that Tony just wants to scream into a soundproof room.

But he remembers he has to clean the cupboards in the archive room at 2pm with Private Kang. He summons every ion of energy he has and heads to the archive room. But of course, Private Kang seems to be in an impatient mood and nags Tony for being slow. His temper simmers, simmering, bubbling and then it explodes. Fists would have been thrown if Tony didn’t catch himself in time and stormed out of the room.

The loud bang of the door alerted the rest to the almost-fight, two men rushing up to restrain Private Kang from following.

Tony expects to see arms reaching up to restrain him, but at the corner of his eyes, he catches Jaeduck waving his arms, as if signalling the others to back off.

Jaeduck catches his gaze and nods slightly.

-

A few hours later, of course, Jaeduck finds Tony sitting at a corner of one of the most remote storage rooms on the base.

“You missed dinner.” The smell of ramen wafted towards Tony, and he raises his head from his huddle to see Jaeduck offering him cooked ramyun in a bag.

“Not hungry.” Tony dropped his head back into arms.

“It’s okay then. I’ll be just sit here?” Jaeduck sits down next to Tony, close enough that their bodies are pressed against each other.

Jaeduck is a skinny little man, but the warmth just radiates off him tonight.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m here for you.” Jaeduck murmurs repeatedly. The calming voice, the low tones went straight to Tony’s heart.

Tony was expecting a scolding, a lecture from Jaeduck as he was the senior in the unit who was supposed to put the juniors in order. Instead, the senior was comforting him, offering him ramyun, that Tony was pretty sure was from Jaeduck’s limited own personal stash.

“Are you sure you don’t want the ramyun? Otherwise, it’s just wasted since I’m full from dinner.” Jaeduck presses the warm bag of noodles against Tony’s hands.

The smell once again wafts up and Tony’s stomach growls in betrayal. Jaeduck snickers, and forces the bag into Tony’s hands.

Jaeduck doesn’t pry into Tony’s outburst earlier and instead chatters on about his family, his sister and his 6 nephews and nieces, how they are total little devils but he loves them anyways.

Jaeduck rambles about Busan, about how he misses the seaside and actually authentic Busan fish cakes and cheap seafood.

Tony just listens and nods, slurping the warm ramyun. He had outbursts before, he had calmed down from them before, but that took many hours, days even; Tony has never felt this sort of calmness so fast after an episode.

-

On one of their rare breaks, Tony gets ready to leave the bunks only to see Jaeduck still in the administration office, typing away at the computer.

“Oh? You’re not leaving the bunks yet?”

“I got assigned some last-minute stuff this break. Unavoidable, I guess.” Jaeduck shrugs.

“Isn’t it your sister’s birthday the day after next?” Tony recalls how excited Jaeduck had been able to go home for his sister’s birthday and see his nephews and nieces, just a few days ago during their smoke sessions.

“Yeah, but....this sucks I guess. But what can I do.” Jaeduck pulls a face. “Go, go, enjoy your break. Drink some soju bombs for me.” Jaeduck cracks a smile and shoos Tony off.

Tony eventually learns that Jaeduck had received a long lecture from his higher-ups from not “disciplining” Tony, essentially not dragging Tony back to duty after he had stormed off. For that, Jaeduck was stripped of his upcoming break, confined to the bunks doing administrative work.

-

Another cold winter night happens and their rinky-dink heater sputters pathetically and breaks down again a little past midnight.

Groans broke out in the bunker as the men dragged themselves from slumber to put on their thickest clothes and jackets.

“Seungho-ssi, can we- can I-” It was Jaeduck who asks first this time but he stumbles over his words, hands gesturing to the beds and then moving them in a pushing motion.

“Sleep together?” Tony can’t help but to say those words with a slight smirk.

“I mean huddle together!” Jaeduck hisses. He had pulled the hood of his jacket tightly around his face, making the jacket seem like it was dwarfing him in size.

“Okay, okay.” Tony laughs and helps Jaeduck to move their beds closer.

Jaeduck snuggles into Tony’s side, his hands sneaking into Tony’s sleeves and curling around his hand and wrist.

“Sorry, my hands are....really....” Quiet little snores emerge from Jaeduck before he even finishes his sentence.

Looking at Jaeduck in his arms, Tony realises.

He realises that he had finally fallen in love. He thinks back to the times he had met Jaeduck in the past. In 1998 when they danced to Candy together. In 2002 when he approached Jaeduck in the restaurant. All those times, he had almost fallen in love. At the edge, but nothing to push him over the cliff. But Tony was glad he didn’t fall in love then, because this, _this_ was the perfect moment to fall in love and he wouldn’t give up this moment, this feeling for anything in the world.

He turns his head slightly, careful not stir Jaeduck up, and presses a soft kiss to the top of Jaeduck’s head.

**Author's Note:**

> so I'm not entirely satisfied with the fic but I've been having such terrible writer's block for this OTP and this fic has been actually sitting in my drafts since Jan '18 so I'm really glad I finished it and it finally has seen the light.
> 
> any comments/kudos are appreciated very much <3


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